"The best time to plant a tree..."

January is typically a time to re-start, re-hash, re-fresh from the past and look toward the future. Back in January 2019, I was watching YouTube videos about making resolutions, trying new things, setting goals, etc. One video that I watched struck me deeply and I sent it to my therapist, parents, and close friends. The video was titled, "How to design your life" (or something along those lines), which intrigued me more than the regular blather about setting goals/resolutions. Designing my life, eh? That sounds interesting and unique, and certainly more holistic. In the video, he describes how he "designs" his life by simply choosing three goals and with each goal, setting up three habits per goal - a total of, you guessed it: NINE HABITS! The idea is to make achieving goals a habit. That way, the goal is completed automatically without having to think about it; essentially, "automating success." The video details his method, including having an accountability partner and checking in on a regular basis and staying strong but flexible, like a reed. With the concept of the "9 habits," I set three goals for 2019: 1. Weigh 168lbs; 2. Debt-free; 3. Define my purpose.

Flip to March 2019: I was in CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) from December 2018 (that's a whole 'nother store in itself!). During the sessions, it became clear that my choices with alcohol was creating situations for myself that I wasn't happy with. My therapist and I discussed this at length, and his suggestion was to quit alcohol completely for 30 days, after Purim. I managed to negotiate the "after Purim" part, which is basically like starting a diet after a national junk food binge day. ;) And so, I did. I downloaded a habit-tracking app and checked off each day that I didn't drink. For me, drinking on a weekday was never a "thing;" the most difficult times were social occasions: Shabbos, YT, parties, holidays, Shabbatons, camping, etc. I remember going on a camping weekend where there is typically a lot of alcohol involved. I remember sitting there and not taking l'chaims, surrounded by people in alternative states (alcohol, or any range of drugs). The experience was extremely surreal for me. Time passed much slower, instead of getting "f--ed-up" and going out of myself while time passed under my nose. It was difficult to say "no," but I did it and I was so proud of myself for staying strong and consistent for that entire weekend.

That experience empowered me to make more changes. I set out to work on one habit at a time. I started with weight-loss. One of the three habits for that goal was to exercise. I updated my habit-tracker app to include exercising. I started out by choosing a nearby studio and trying out one Zumba class. And then the following week, I booked another, and for each week I completed one class per week. Eventually, I worked my way up to two classes per week. Before the COVID-19 Corona-virus pandemic, I was taking classes 3-4 times per week: hot yoga, Zumba, cycling, dancing, calisthenics, etc. As time progressed from when I started, I noticed my body change shape, ever so slightly. I was able to wear size medium shirts and size 12 pants/skirts/bottoms (down from size large or size 14). I didn't weigh myself in the process, but the change in how my clothes fit was a tremendous accomplishment! I've told myself that I couldn't do it. And, here was proof that I can -- and I did!

I recently weighed myself, which has brought my head into a tailspin. So many thoughts are related to that number on the scale. I'm not sure what possessed me to do that, but I did and "knowledge is power."

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I started writing this post over a week ago with the intention that I was going to do a 30 day challenge of no sugar. In theory, I could still try that, even though I consumed sugar within the past week (and certainly this weekend).

I have other thoughts on my mind, however. A few days ago, I hand-wrote something of a journal entry while volunteering my time for a friend with her kids. The following is what I wrote:

Wednesday June 3rd, 2020

Brooklyn, NY

I recently had a revelation. The past year or so, I set three goals for myself in weight loss, debt payoff, and marriage/relationships. I came to some feelings that these goals feel entirely impossible. I date, I diet, I exercise, I work hard at the office. Where is the needle moving? I see no progress. I have never reached any goal. I’ve hit no benchmarks. I’m 31, unmarried, 40lbs overweight, ~$17K in credit card debt. I feel like it’s impossible to move away from any of that, with the sole exception of my age. Time keeps passing by, especially in the times of COVID-19, and I’ve not changed any of those factors in the past ten years! I’m 31, unmarried, 40lbs overweight, ~$17K in credit card debt. I’m 31, unmarried, 40lbs overweight, ~$17K in credit card debt. I’m 31, unmarried, 40lbs overweight, ~$17K in credit card debt.

And so, recently, I had a revelation. Instead of anxiety about these factors, perhaps I would be better off practicing acceptance. Accepting my age & marital status. My weight/body. The debt I’m carrying. This is a difficult proposition.

And so I’ll take this a step further: accepting defeat. Maybe I’ll never get married. Maybe I’ll never lose the weight or be that skinny, perfect size small that I was before puberty. Perhaps I’ll be forever paying off debt.

When I accept these things, as unfortunate as it is, I think I come back to myself. I see reality. Anxiety doesn’t linger so heavy.

So, now, I start from scratch: I accept my body, I accept my weight, I accept my unwillingness and inability to change. I hope this will open me up to something greater. Something bigger than numbers: 31, 40, $17K.

Those are relative. Some people wish they were my age. Some people wish they had my body. Some people wish they only had $17K worth of debt. It's all relative.

Looks are very important for women. Unattractive women hold less influence and attention. I thought about this in a numbers-way: more attractive women get more attention, and therefore more opportunities with men. A married couple is still only one man and one woman. Less attractive women are granted a limited number of opportunities. At the same time, nonetheless, a married couple is yet one man and one woman. Unattractive women get married. There are beautiful unmarried women at older ages. So, this falsifies my theory! Ultimately, there’s no calculation I can make to explain or uncover or demystify. It’s G-d.

G-d also decides my paycheck. Yet, I go to work, work hard, apply for jobs, give Ma’aser. Sounds like a partnership.

And that’s the keyword “Hishtadlus” in dating, or really anything: submitting effort, taking some responsibility.

I blame insecurity. I blame my looks, my glasses, my weight.

In terms of Personality & Intellect, there’s no one better. I’m Tops.

As far as Looks are concerned, anyone could do much better with a more petite, slimmer woman. I’m too much, especially for most men. Which is why I need to lose weight: I simply cannot compete. Plus, my doc says I need to.

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Those were my thoughts from a few days ago. I’ve since evolved toward other thoughts at this point in time.

Some of that was painful to type up. They feel hurtful. Genuine, but hurtful words to say to myself.

I’d like to use this space to delve into these thoughts of self-worth.

I’d like to set the following goals for this week:

• No phone after 10pm [productivity, mental health]

• 1 blog post a day [daily review]

• Midnight bedtime [sleep hygiene]

• 8am wake-up [productivity]

• 1 exercise video/day [self-love]

• Daily Chitas [spiritual refinement and connection]

• Eating mindfully & meditatively for nourishment [mind/body/soul connection]

This is a promise I’m making to myself.