"On the second day..."

Good morning!

It’s 11am at this point. I was up early around 7am, earlier than my 8am goal time. I got out of bed around 8:30am, and in the meantime I checked my messages on social media. I sent out a quick Shidduch resume to friends, groups, and Shadchanim. (I think I'm feeling lonely.) I turned off Internet access on my phone until I accomplished several tasks. So far, I recited morning Brachos, Chitas, completed a 30min workout video, took a shower, changed, and made a smoothie. I’m about to spend some professional development time, and then I will let myself go to social media to connect with friends.

I’ve had many, many thoughts this morning that I’ve been dying to get on paper. I planned on writing them all out when I got a chance to sit down with my laptop. And so here I am, with a mid-morning update. I typically would say that I only update once/day, but I felt compelled to write something.

When I contact Shadchanim, I usually throw them my resume. I often feel that that is very impersonal, and I should care more for the personal lives of the Shadchanim, so as not to feel like I am “using” them. I know they’re there to help, but I want to stand out as someone who cares for their personal well-being aside from my own need to find my Bashert and get married. I think perhaps I should look at this like a job search. Make connections, send out my resume, hustle, hustle, hustle! I often feel like that. I’m currently applying for the open position of “Wife” for my Bashert. I’m also applying for a position to make money. In that case, it is a trade. Is marriage a trade, too? Am I showing what I would offer to him as a wife and life partner? That, I feel, is related to “hergesh,” feeling. WIth a job, I am offering my skills and time, and the company pays me money to compensate. Marriage, in that case, is not a trade but a partnership, a symbiotic relationship of give-and-take. I don’t get money, I get emotional fulfillment and support, someone to build a life and family with. That, I think, is marriage. That’s not a job within a company.

I was watching a short YouTube video this morning, while slightly distracted from my tasks at hand. I couldn’t help but examine her body and looks, and compare myself. What does she do differently in her daily life that she looks that way? I bet she’s been that size her entire life, thin. I bet her mother’s thin and blonde like her. I bet she played soccer and ran cross-country in high school. I’ve been about the same size since high school. Looking at the pics on social media of my classmates, most of them have remained the same or similar size, as well. I recently overheard a discussion where a girl was saying how she’s also about the same size as she was in high school. I’m led to believe that the eating habits we accrue around that age stick for a lifetime. I see this as an important aspect of child-rearing, how a child is raised in a family to eat, sleep, and breathe has an affect on the rest of his/her life. I’ve been told by my parents that I am lazy and unreliable - which has been a self-fulling prophecy. I remember when I was a little girl and I saw my mother eat two french fries at a time. I wondered why one would do that, to eat the fries so quickly. And so I eat emotionally. I don’t see my parents exercise, so I never did. This past year as I became more active, I realized how much of my life I did try things but never fully put myself into it, like rowing in high school or exercise classes in college. I would see my mother’s attempt to eat healthy or exercise, as we had exercise equipment in the basement and belonged to the local YMCA for many years. I never saw my parents model these as lifetime habits. My mother didn’t cook, and we often ate out. I’ve had to learn how to cook healthy, which has actually been quite fun and educational. I was never allowed in the kitchen as a child, and so I never learned how to cook or healthy eating habits. Now, this is all blaming other people. I have within myself the power and control to do better. I’m explaining my past.

My roommate is in her 60s - she never got married. She does the same things habitually day-in and day-out: her audio shiurim, coffee grinding, light switches, blinds, buys the same exact groceries every week. I sometimes think that I do not want to become her. She can be very negative and pessimistic. I don’t want to surround myself with people like that. She’s overall a good, kind, generous person. I’d like to move on from this place in life where I feel stuck. I see her as someone who is stuck in a certain phase of life. She says and does the same things repeatedly. I find this bothersome because there is no creativity. At the same time, she's very preticiable! Which is good for me, as a roommate. ;)

I once told someone that I don’t think I’m beautiful. He was shocked. I think more people would be shocked if they knew the thoughts I think about myself. How I'm ugly, fat, boring, useless, unworthy, incapable, weak, insensitive, dumb. I show the world a completely different face. I don’t want to appear like a burden, like someone who is whiny, if I were to express myself fully.

This feels cathartic to get these thoughts on paper. As much as handwriting is good for the mind-body connection, and I would certainly feel a greater sense of ‘letting go’ when I write pen-to-paper, I do feel a sense of release of getting these thoughts out.

I dreamed that this blog would become a new stream of income. For now, I like this as a place to express my thoughts. Pondering the thought that “no man is an island,” I’ve been encouraged to get my thoughts out there in support of those who think alike or even the opposite, as a place of vulnerability. I'd also like to use this place to express gratitude and share my accomplishments.

This feels good.

I'm grateful for this space. I'm grateful for my full fridge, pantry, and kitchen. I'm grateful for the ability to see my own strengths.

So now I will continue on to the next morning task: professional development.